Christmas blues

Well this is officially my first post!
Christmas is always a hard time of year for me, a lot of my issues with my bpd at this time of year revolve around money, or should I say the lack if it. This year was by far the worst, financially speaking. Not only was I unable to buy my kids and grandsons much, if in fact anything, my kids didn't seem to want to spend any time with me.
On christmas morning around 8am they all came over with their partners (and the grandbabies) for our first Christmas breakfast. As I had no money all the kids brought something with them. My son Matt started cooking the bbq but when he started taking sausages off half cooked my eldest daughter, Kj asked her partner Andrew to cook before her brother gave us all food poisoning.  While the bbq was being cooked I played with the boys, Max and Luke. Breakfast was lovely,  sausages, bacon,  eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms and toast. Everyone appeared to enjoy it.
By 930 everyone was gone, Matt and his girlfriend Casey had gone to Caseys family, my middle daughter Sarah went home and Kj, Andrew and the boys went home so Luke could have his morning nap.
We had all planned to go to see my brother and his family for Christmas dinner so my youngest daughter Emily her friend Sheleisha (who lives with us) stayed home and just did our own thing. I watched Private Practice filling in the time. I later found out that Kj, Andrew and the boys had gone to Andrews parents for the afternoon/evening.
In the early afternoon my niece Ellisha called to double check we were all still going for dinner and confirmed the time of 5 pm. A few minutes later she called back saying that her mum was cancelling christmas dinner as my brother was sick (gastro was going around). We were all very disappointed but understood.
A little later when I looked on Facebook I saw that my sister in law had posted photos of decorated tables describing the upcomin h evening with her brothers family and mum. Emily was really hurt that what we were told had been cancelled was still going ahead without our family and to be honest it hurt me too.
I spoke briefly about it with my sister in law Tan and left it at that.

The next day, Boxing Day I saw Matt and Casey for a short visit. Kj dropped the boys off while she and Andrew went shopping for tvs and watched the cricket with friends. We had a good day, playing with the boys at the park, and playing in water. I sent Kj a text asking what time she was picking up the boys as I had planned with my best friend Bec, to go to her place for drinks and a bbq for Christmas and new year as we weren't going to be able to catch up before. When Kj and Andrew arrived she made mention of me not having the boys for the night, I didn't know she wanted me to have them overnight as when I had been looking in Lukes bag, she hadn't put in any spare clothes. I had asked her earlier in the day if she minded me not babysitting on new years eve as my boyfriend, Steve had invited me to go out with him. (I'd mentioned this in passing to Tan but as Steve was drunk when he asked me i paid no attention to it until he asked me sober) Kj commented on the fact that her aunty had told her and not me and that I knew days before. It upset me that she didn't believe me when I told her that I'd only found out that morning.
By the Sunday, 3 days after Christmas I had only seen my 2 eldest girls a total of 1.5hrs as they seemed to prefer the company of others and not mine. I put this down to a few things.
1. Having no money there is no food in my house
2. My company isn't as much fun as others and
3. Feeling as though I'm not an important part of Kj and Sarah's lives.

The culmination of the days of and after Christmas came to a head on Sunday evening when I spent hours in tears, feeling as though if I weren't around, Kj and Sarah wouldn't even notice and if anything it would be better for them.
The fact that Kj prefers the company of her in laws and Sarah preferring her own company to mine just, in my mind, confirms this. I know Matt and Emily would care andwould miss me. This really hurts.
Christmas eve saw Steve tell me he loved me but because of my history with relationships, I worry that it's not true. I don't believe anyone could live me and if they do, it won't last, he'll realise soon enough how screwed up I am and run. All I can do us take each day as it comes and hope for the best. Hope that one day my kids will want to be around me, be scared of losing me, love me for me and want to try and understand me and my illness.
Until then I have to try and go on as best I can and hope that the thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore don't take over completely.

I'm not very good at being fluent or flowing when writing things that are on my mind as I have so many thoughts racing around my head that I want to say that I tend to jump around a lot but I hope that this makes some sense to someone.